New Beginnings

I’ve been feeling well. Like, really, really great. Not physically – that will always be some sort of struggle – but emotionally. Mentally.

I spent so much time being aggravated with myself at not understanding my place in the world. Watching my friends “grow up” (using that phrase loosely because I’m not even sure what it means) to be doctors/lawyers/directors/performers/urban farmers/leaders/shakers/parents/etc. has been so rewarding. I am extremely fortunate to have some incredibly talented people in my life. It also made me feel inadequate and unsure because I lack the direction I’ve seen so many have. I’ve been floating back and forth between I-Need-To-Get-My-Shit-Together and Fuck-Everyone-I-Already-Have-My-Shit-Together for a number of years now – neither felt quite right. And so I let them go. Both of them. All of them – all of the expectations people had, the expectations I thought people had that they actually didn’t, my fear of myself, my fear of failure… I need to move on from the weight of those things because I am existing. I am existing happily, and independently. I am not a burden on anyone. I am consistently proving to myself that I can land on my own two feet.

So, I’m beginning a new adventure. A physical adventure, and an emotional one. The idea of taking this trip started with wanting to run away – I’m just beginning, and it has morphed into something far more important. Last week, a wise soul offered me a lesson in practicing contentment. I listened. I listened so fucking intently because I feel like my contentment with myself was a massive missing piece. This week I practiced contentment during physical distress. I practiced contentment during emotional stress. I practiced contentment on my arduously turbulent flight to New York. Most importantly, I am practicing contentment with myself daily and, you know what? I’m pretty okay.

Don’t ask me where I’m going. I don’t know. If you want to know, you can follow along. Things will happen, things will change, opportunities will arise, and I will say yes to them all.

I feel as if my heart has just been cracked wide the fuck open and I can’t wait to share its openness with the people I love, and the people I have yet to know and love in this world.

More to come. Thank you, my family and friends, for being constant sources of support and inspiration.

5 Comments

  1. Anita Kessio

    You go girl! Keep saying yes and you will be rewarded beyond your imagination.  Wishing you the best on your travels!

  2. Kelly Haas

    JAI!!! To being cracked open!
    And finding and seeking and seeking again and again CONTENTMENT inside. 
    That’s where the magic happens. 

    Safe Travels. Godspeed! 

  3. grandma marcia

    Love you always……….life is a bumpy ride………..you will smooth it out as you pick a path and work it.
    Hugs and kisses, Gram

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